Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
