I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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