I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
