why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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