All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
