can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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