Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
