if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
