Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
