I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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