textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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