If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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