a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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