he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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