Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
