i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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