I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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