Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
