Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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