I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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