It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
