Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
