i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
