You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
