dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
