I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
