tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
