I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
