Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
