Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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