never play flip cup with pint glasses
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
