i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
