Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
