So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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