I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well I just put wine in my tea
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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