Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
