I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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