i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
