unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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