my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
