He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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