Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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