I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
