Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
