Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just threw up on my dentist
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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