i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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