So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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