Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
