I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
