I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
