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I could make wine with my vomit
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
