I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
