I love having hate sex.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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