you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
